


An announcement (sort of)

by phanbf



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Comfort, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Future, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Transgender, greygender!dan, nonbinary!dan, trans!dan, video filming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 03:05:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14251701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanbf/pseuds/phanbf
Summary: There's something that's been on Dan's mind lately, and it's finally time to tell the world.





	An announcement (sort of)

**Author's Note:**

> so i haven't posted an actual fic since june which is absolutely disgusting. here's some crap i came up with at two am when i couldn't sleep. thanks to my good friend emily @phansterdam for helping me with the Englandish Stuff™¸ and for her wonderful enthusiasm!

It shouldn’t be happening. That’s all they can think. They shouldn’t be sitting here, palms resting in their lap covered in sweat, and a drained, emotionless expression on their face from repeating the monologue in their head more times than they could count. They shouldn’t have put all of their effort into something so meaningless, so abstract, yet so controversial that it could put their entire life at risk.

They shouldn’t be quiet, they should speak like they meant to. The camera has been recording for a while now, maybe a minute, maybe even an hour. When they doubt themself like this, they tend to lose track of time.

The video is scripted, of course, they can’t imagine they would ever be able to find the right words to express the way they feel on the spot. The subject is far too complicated, and there’s more to say than what could possibly fit in a ten minute long video. But that’s the issue here; they know what they have to say. They know the words by heart at this point, hell, it’s all they’ve been able to think about for the past few weeks. It plays in their head, over and over like a catchy song from the ‘80s, except it doesn’t make them want to dance. It makes them want to stay silent.

It will be fine. Everything is going to stay the same. They’ve just got to be brave.

A deep breath in, a sigh. Then a deep breath in again. _Please don’t let this change anything._

“I didn’t think I would ever make this video.”

The silence that follows is painful, even though there’s no one else in the room. The camera lens is glaring back at them, waiting for them to continue.

“I … didn’t think I could ever be strong enough to be this vulnerable to all of you.” They want to cry, but this isn’t the time. Their lips tremble just for a moment, and they let them. Another deep breath, a sigh. A sudden urge to blink away the sadness. “But I’ve realised that the longer I wait, the longer I keep telling myself now is not the time, the harder it’s gonna get.”

A sniffle. You’ve got this, Dan.

“After making my depression video, I thought that was it. I truly thought that would be the hardest video I would ever make.” Reverting to their old script, they started to feel a bit more confident, the tears on their cheeks no longer bothering them as much. “It’s funny how people grow, and how your your perception of what’s important just … changes.” They wait for a few seconds, partly to collect their thoughts, but mostly because they’ve forgotten what the next part of the script was and they can’t be bothered to go look for it.

They look into the camera, a timid smile hiding behind their dimples and warm, chocolate eyes. “My name is Dan Howell, and I’m non-binary.”

The word is so unfamiliar in their mouth, like it’s never been pronounced before. Of course it has been, the topic has been brought up on several occasions in their life, but it’s never been about them. That’s what’s unfamiliar.

“So, you’re all probably thinking, ‘Dan, what the hell are you on about?’ and let me be clear, me too, okay? I have no fucking clue what I’m on about. ” They like this bit the best, it perfectly fits their style and sense of humour, it’s slightly relatable, but it also carries meaning in the context. It’s nice. “Just a, uh, quick note to editing Dan to zoom in a little on my face when I say that, that’s quite funny, uh, where was I …” They truly don’t know what they’re doing.

They glance at their script (which was nothing more than a couple of scribbles on a loose piece of paper - most of it was rehearsed in their mind) and then look up into the camera. “As many of you know, I’ve never really been a bro-ey type of dude, you know? I watch anime, I paint my nails, sometimes I like to show up to events in glittery eyeshadow and blush—“ 2019 had been a good year. “—and that’s perfectly okay. Because that kind of stuff is just ways of expressing yourself. It doesn’t affect the way I identify myself. Or, well, so I thought.”

They feel themself slipping into the YouTube-Dan headspace now. It’s becoming increasingly easier to talk about it in a way that’s serious, but still sounds like them. They’ve missed this, they truly have.

“I’m just gonna go ahead and say that this video isn’t gonna make any sense to anyone that doesn’t know what being non-binary means, so I’ll link a couple of resources down below for you, good luck with that, editing Dan.” They giggle, intending to put a jumpcut somewhere around here. “But basically, being non-binary means that in terms of gender, I don’t exactly fit into a specific box.” That’s a good way to put it, right? Oh, whatever, if the people truly want to find out they could just Google it. Dan doesn’t know.

“You have the male box, and then you have the female box, which I, now realise kind of sounds like an awful euphemism, um, let’s ignore that. Anyway! Basically, that’s what our society looks like most of the time. People with dicks are in the male box, people wi— you get it. I don’t need to explain that, I hope.” That’s bad. They’ll edit that out. They giggle to themself again, lifting a hand to their forehead. “Oh, man, this is way harder than I thought it would be.”

They look at the camera. It’s reflection shows a glimmering trail under their eyes. They’ve been crying again. “Let me try that again, um, where was I? Male and female box, oh yeah, we don’t need to bring that up again.” They’re mostly talking to themself now. Sometimes, it’s all you need to get back into the zone.

Final take. This is going to be fine. “When you go to the doctors or sign up for a bank card, you usually have to tick a box- ah, fuck, why won’t this fucking work?!”

Without warning, a fire replaces the glimmer and their eyebrows furrow, fury and self-hatred pumping through their veins. It doesn’t work, it’ll never fucking work! They stomp their foot on the ground, a little bit too hard. The houseplant on the drawer behind them quivers, just like the rest of the house. Why can’t they ever make anything that’s even remotely good? Why do they have to be so shit at absolutely everything? Why don’t they just delete the goddamn channel like they should have done a long time ago?

They fold their arms and scoff at themself. This is ridiculous. Just like their entire channel, just like everything they do. It’s all so worthless and dumb! Why can’t they read this script they’ve been working on for months? Why can’t they get it to work? Worthless! Pathetic!

The words stab through their remaining confidence like a sharp knife. A phantom pain in the gut, a scream. It’s not that loud, though the neighbours might have heard if they were listening carefully. Phil definitely did, though. Honestly, all Dan wants right now is some consoling words from him, but Phil doesn’t know and he won’t find out until the video is posted.

Phil. That’s what hurts the most about this. Phil won’t have any problems with it, Dan’s sure of it, but they’re terrified of letting him down. He might be disappointed and leave. Or worse, disappointed and wanting to leave, but feeling so guilty he stays anyway. Dan would hate to be the cause of Phil’s misery, even if it meant they had to live as a man for the rest of their life. They know it’s irrational, surely someone as liberal and open-minded as Phil won’t care that much about what pronouns Dan prefers, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from flooding in their mind and ruining their sense of reality.

There’s a knock on the door. Dan perks their head up, wiping away the tears. Phil’s voice is higher than usual. He sounds worried. “Dan, baby, you okay?”

They swallow. “I’m fine, Phil.” They know Phil is going to see right through them. They’ve known each other too long. Phil’s been there for all of Dan’s ups and downs and he has learnt to recognise them all.

But Phil is a kind person. Maybe he’ll let Dan be if they insist.

“You sure?” Dan wants to throw the door open and let themself fall into their boyfriend’s open arms, but there is too much at risk here. They need to do this. For themself and for Phil. Also, admitting defeat now would make them feel like a wimp which is definitely not something they want their brain to hold against them at three am tonight.

“Yeah,” they say. Phil knows Dan is lying, and Dan knows Phil knows.

“Okay.” Dan brings their hand up, almost as if they are trying to grasp Phil by the sleeve, but only air slips through their fingers. They gulp.

“Tell me if you need anything,” Phil says and taps the door a little bit, just to assure Dan that he is still here. Dan appreciates the gesture, but if they ever want to finish this video they’ve got to keep working now.

“I will.” Dan can’t hear it, but they know Phil makes a sympathetic face behind the door. Just like he always does when something isn’t right with Dan.

Phil leaves and there’s a void in the room, Dan feels like they’re floating in nothing. Their head feels light after all the crying.

They suppose there’s no point in wasting time like this, so they sit down and look at the camera again, like nothing happened. They wonder for a moment if they look any different – perhaps a bit more wrecked than earlier, if that were even possible. “Basically,” they say, intending to get it right this time, “in terms of gender, I don’t really fit in a specific box.” That’s it. No more explanation. Their viewers would have to figure out the rest. Perfect.

“Now, some of y’all are going to sit there and think–” This is where they’re going to add in a little clip of them pretending to be a subscriber saying something like ‘but that’s not a thing’ – Dan knows there are people like that who watch their videos. Not that they understand why, they’ve been an advocate for destroying the gender binary for years, but they have seen some more conservative commenters throughout the years.

“– but in fact, being non-binary is very much a thing, which I am a perfect example of. See, I exist, and I’m non-binary! Amazing evidence right there.”

Dan wants to scoff at themself. Had they not grown since secondary school? Come on. That’s not going to be in the video, for sure.

And so it continues. They mess up, they correct themself, they move on. It takes a while for them to finish, but when they do, they feel proud of the result. They linger over the upload button for a very long time, and the thought of backing out now seems tempting but it has to be done. Going behind their everyone’s backs like this any longer wouldn’t feel right for multiple reasons, especially when it came to Phil.

It takes a whole lot of courage but at 3:46 am, three days after filming it, they finally hit upload. It hadn’t taken long to edit as the video was only about four minutes, the most time-consuming thing about this video was the random clips. They had had to go behind Phil’s back to film when he wasn’t in the flat, which was a bit challenging since neither of them leave the house that much, but they did manage to film them all while Phil was out for lunch with his brother. (They’d obviously asked Dan if they wanted to come with, but with the video in mind, they had declined and blamed it on a bad mental health day – technically they hadn’t lied, but that wasn’t the reason)

And as the video renders in the background, Dan thinks of what will happen next. Will they lose subscribers, or will they gain subscribers? Will the transphobic people leave or will they respect their identity regardless? How will Phil react?

They close their laptop and go to bed, curling up next to their boyfriend who was already asleep. The warmth of his chest against Dan’s head and the smell of his body is something Dan could never live without.

Hopefully, after Phil sees the video, they won’t have to.

* * *

Pause.

 

 

Play.

 

 

**“An announcement (sort of)”**

* * *

_“Hi, internet._  
_There’s a lot of things in life that we don’t understand. From why our parents won’t let us eat just one more cookie to whether or not we should go to school to the literal meaning of reality itself – Trust me, I’ve been through it all.  
And when we question, we think; Are we really living our lives to the fullest? Is there more to discover on this purposeless blob that we call earth and why are we a part of it?”_

Pause.

_“I didn’t think I would ever make this video. I didn’t think I could ever be strong enough to be this vulnerable to all of you.”_

A deep breath. A hint of a glimmer under warm, gorgeous eyes.

_“My name is Dan Howell, and I’m non-binary.”_

Phil can’t keep himself from smiling.

_“So, a lot of you are probably thinking,_  
_‘But Dan, being non-binary is a hoax created by the left to trick us all into believing we’re underdogs of their matriarchal cat society!’_  
_‘I am so confused right now.’_  
_‘But the dictionary–’_  
_‘WHAT THE HELL IS A GENDER!!!???’  
_ _And firstly, same.”_

They’re so adorable when they laugh.

_“Secondly, let me explain what non-binary actually is so there is no confusion.  
Basically, what non-binary means is, when it comes to gender, I don’t exactly fit into a specific box. I’m a little bit a’ dude, a little bit a’ gal, a little bit a’ both and a little bit a’ neither. It is not a mental illness, it is not something you can get help for – it just is._

_‘But Dan, you’re twenty eight and you’ve lived for a fairly long time – why are you just figuring this out now?’_

_When I was growing up, there was no information about this kind of thing whatsoever. I grew up in a small town in the middle of Britain where ‘normal’ was the ideal and those who weren’t normal were punched and humiliated. Even if I had known at an earlier age, I would have been too ashamed to admit it to myself and everyone around me.  
It took me a long time to accept that I’ll never be the cisgender dude everyone wanted me to be, because I never knew there was another option._

_And that’s the thing, right? I’m still growing, I’m still figuring out who I am and what I want in life. I’m still getting over this huge chunk of my life where everything I was, was a reason to be punished.”_

They don’t deserve any of this.

_“‘So, Dan, if ya ain’t a lad, what are ya?’  
Honestly, the fuck if I know, you tell me!_

_I’ve been doing a lot – a LOT – of research and at the moment I think I’m somewhere on the greygender spectrum. I just feel like gender is this concept I could see myself being a part of, but it just feels kind of disconnected, you know? For me, it’s like watching a game of soccer. I could see myself being on the field and it does look kind of fun but also extremely off-putting.  
Because if there’s anything I’m definitely not a part of, it’s sports and exercise. And men. Second thought, if they’re hot, I’ll take it.”_

Phil snorts. If Dan had said something like that five years ago, Phil would probably be hurt. They’ve both grown a lot since then.

_“I’m not going to ramble about this for too long, I just wanted to let you know since I know a lot of you care about me – thank you so much, by the way, that warms my cold, dank heart – and it might be useful to know._  
_I’m still not sure what pronouns fit me, but I’d prefer if you used they/them pronouns to refer to me from now on. Name, I’m still kind of figuring out, but ‘Dan’ seems like a good gender neutral middle ground for now and I don’t really mind it anyway. It does make me slightly uncomfortable, since it kind of has bad connotations for me, but I–I won’t be sad is what I’m saying._  
_So, I guess that rebrand I did a couple of years ago was completely unnecessary, good job me, you completely screwed your future self over, congratulations!_

_I’m probably going to put off any kind of physical changes until I’m more secure in my identity. I do get dysphoric sometimes, but it’s not really this huge part of my life I need to fix right now this instant, so it seems like a good idea to let it slide for now._

_If you know any more about this topic – which you probably do, I’m very uneducated – please tell me in the comments! I could really use your advice._

_Alright, that’s all I had for today! If you want to, you can subscribe–”_

Phil pauses the video and looks over his shoulder at a sleeping Dan lying on their side, breathing quietly against Phil’s arm. Their hair is shoved behind their ear in a curly mess, exposing their forehead which is obviously lacking kisses. Well, duty calls. Phil reaches down and places his lips to Dan’s upper head, then nose, then mouth. Dan blinks and then groans, as they roll to the side.

Phil giggles. “Morning, sleepyhead.”

Dan only sticks their tongue out in response, pressing their face against the pillow. “What time is it?”

“Ten.”

“Oh, fuck you!”

Phil laughs again and shoves them lightly, then lets out a yawn while leaning on the spot between Dan’s shoulder blades. He can feel their heartbeat next to his cheek. He closes his eyes. He couldn’t be happier. “Love you,” he mumbles against their shirt with a grin from ear to ear.

“Yeah?” Dan shuffles around until they’re lying on their back, looking Phil in the eyes with the classic Dan Howell heart-eyes that make Phil feel all warm inside.

“Yup.”

Dan doesn’t say anything back, but their smile says everything for them. Phil crawls up until he’s lying on Dan’s shoulder, placing his hand on their chest.

“I saw your video.”

Dan’s heartbeat speeds up under Phil’s palm. They open their mouth as if to say something, but no words come out.

Phil bites his lip. “I–”

“I’m sorry.” Dan’s expression is emotionless. They do that when they’re scared. Phil doesn’t understand why in the world Dan would be scared now.

“Why are you sorry?” Phil tilts his head and looks into Dan’s eyes. Dan doesn’t look back.

“For, I don’t know, being who I am. All messed up and weird.”

Phil frowns. It hurts him to hear them say things like that. “You’re not messed up or weird.”

“I am though.” Dan’s voice cracks. “I’m weird and gross and I understand if you don’t want me anymore because I really–”

“Hush, hush, hush, hush, leave you? What on earth would make you think I would want to leave you?” Phil is about to go on a very cliché tangent on how perfect Dan is, but another idea pops into his mind. “I could never, especially now that I’ve got such an amazing opportunity.”

Dan looks up. “What opportunity?”

“Now I get to call you a they-bae.”

Dan throws a pillow at him.


End file.
